


Lost and Found

by chararii



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Depression, Dimension Travel, F/F, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, POV Haruno Sakura, Sad with a Happy Ending, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:21:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25568164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chararii/pseuds/chararii
Summary: She rubs her belly and leans back with a smile. Life hasn't always been great, wonderful at times, horrifying at others. An endless up and down. Not anymore. She's found stability, her safe haven in those strong arms, a place to truly call her home, a family she made for herself.One moment, she's here, having all she ever wanted. The next, she's somewhere else, and she's all alone.
Relationships: Haruno Sakura & Maito Gai | Might Guy, Haruno Sakura & Shizune, Haruno Sakura/Tsunade
Comments: 18
Kudos: 79





	Lost and Found

**Author's Note:**

> I know this is unusual but if you're already here, give it a try. It's my first time going full angst but I love what I have done for my OTP. They need more content, yeah.

_One moment she's here, sitting in her chair and enjoying the fresh air of a lovely morning in Konoha, listens to the chirping of the birds, and nibbles on a steaming hot cup of ramen. It's a craving, a truly damnable one and the blonde menace that calls himself her best friend refuses to shut up about it._

_'That's the Uzumaki genes coming through!', he would croon while poking her flat stomach before doing a silly dance all around her while the dark-haired duo next to him roll their eyes. She enjoys these few moments of calm and silence before she has to return to her busy world of patients, rounds, and work in general. She loves her job, but sometimes it's tiresome. And she's been tired quite often lately. It cannot be helped. She wanted this, is what her wife would say whenever she complains. There's little sympathy but fondness in spades, regular check-in's during her shifts, and fewer drunken nights spent in various bars. For two people who have trouble showing and working through their emotions, they've done quite well for themselves._

_She rubs her belly and leans back with a smile. Life hasn't always been great, wonderful at times, horrifying at others. An endless up and down. Not anymore. She's found stability, her safe haven in those strong arms, a place to truly call her home, a family she made for herself. She has Nard, Tenten and Lee. She has Gai. She has Shizune-nee-chan. She has Tsuna._

_One moment, she's here, having all she ever wanted. The next, she's somewhere else, and she's all alone._

(Things always have a way of going wrong when they're at their best. Tsuna taught her that, long ago. Never would she have thought that her misfortune was infectious.)

There's white lights that blind her, loud voices that yell, smoke and dust in the air all around her. She tries to move but can't. She's paralysed, quite literally glued to the ashy ground, and coughs violently. Countless tiny particles are stuck inside her lungs and they make it hard to breathe. Her ears are ringing and she feels sick, oh damn she's going to throw up.

“What the hell have you done, Sasuke?!” Someone's yelling and she winces visibly at the sheer volume. Her hearing is sensitive despite the years she's spent by the side of a woman quite renown for being very loud, very often. She tries to move her head to the side to catch a glimpse of her surroundings, stare at more than dust covering a red carpet through watery eyes.

“Is that- shit, her hair is pink.” She blinks, stutters and stops. She knows that voice. Images of sunny smiles, bright colours and ocean eyes enter her mind as she feels his arms wrap around her shoulders in a silent show of support.

“N- Nard?” Silence reigns. Then, hushed whispers. Her efforts are futile. She's stuck in this position, at the mercy of her best friend and others. Something is wrong. None of this feels right.

“It's long. It's not her,” someone says.

“Of _course_ it's not me, I'm right _here_!” Shivers run down her spine and they have nothing to do with the temperature. No. She must have misheard. It's impossible. A quiet voice at the back of her mind reminds her that there are ninja who can walk up walls, conjure fire and regenerate entire body parts, and that her wife had once told her that there is no such thing as impossible.

“She's not armed. Perhaps we should release her, then figure out how to send her back.” Back. Send her back. Send who back? Surely not- Improbable. Not impossible. Never impossible. Sweat builds on her arms and forehead as she's hot and cold at the same time. No. Please, _please_...

“Ah. If you would, Naruto.” Impossible. _Impossible_. With a pop and a snap, her control over her limbs returns to her and she whirls around, vision blurry, head swaying at the sudden movement. She has to see it for herself, has to make sure, because there is no way-

There is. And so is she. Tall for a woman, blonde, pale, ethereal.

“Tsuna?” Honey eyes widen, then narrow, squint. She's the same, yet also not. She can feel it in her bones, down to her very soul. She is not her, no matter how similar she looks, no matter how their voices sound exactly the same. She's just a civilian, but not stupid and living with her wife has taught her more than she ever thought she would about ninja and their ways. She married an important woman after all. There's things she has to know. Reading a person like a book is just one of them. This is Tsunade. It also isn't.

“You look like my student but you're clearly not. Who are you?” Improbable. She wants to open her mouth but chokes on the weight in her throat, presses a hand to her mouth to centre herself and not lose her mind in a panic attack. Not here. Not now. These people are strangers. Not now, not now, not now.

“S- Sakura,” she replies as calmly as possible but her voice shivers, her hands shake, her body wants to run away. They're ninja. They can see everything and more.

“Shit, teme. You've really done it this time,” Naruto yet not whisper-yells behind her and she digs her fingers into the carpet. It's soft and in a lovely faded cinnamon red. It's familiar and she recognises it now. She spends a lot of time in this office.

“You told me to do it. All of you quite literally told me to give it a try!” At last, a voice she doesn't recognise. It's low and has a certain hiss to it, something sinister that creeps her out. She shuffles away from the source and closer to not Tsunade. She's done so before she even noticed. Her hand is on the carpet, fingers outstretched and reaching for the blonde woman. Who doesn't react. Her heart breaks, little by little, as fear claws itself around her insides. Her right hand comes to a rest on her stomach.

“At worst, we now have two anger issue-riddled Uglies.” She forces herself to look away from the blonde and turns to the side. A small assembly of people greets her. Naruto, his old teacher, two dark-haired boys, and... _Improbable_.

“Where... am I?” she asks, quietly, one hand still very much pressed against her stomach, holding it protectively. There's no guarantee these people are her friends. There's no reason they are who they appear to be. She's a civilian, she's weak, she can't fight or outrun them but she won't go down willingly.

“You're in Konohagakure no Sato. There's been an... incident. You know some of us which is good. Your surroundings won't feel too foreign then until we figure out how to reverse this monumentally stupid decision some of us may or may not have made.” It's her. Except it's not. They both have the same bubblegum pink hair, jade eyes and milky skin. That's where the similarities end. She's... short. Young. There's a diamond on her forehead, one she's only ever seen on one other person. Also, weapons. A satchel. Ninja sandals. It's her but not, younger, and a shinobi.

“Sakura, that's you but _older_ ,” Naruto who looks like a child points out loudly, not at all subtle and so much like her own Naruto, it aches.

“Her lack of muscle definition and suitable equipment suggest that she has either retired some time ago or is a civilian,” one of the dark boys points out and this is the moment where she knows that she'll either be consumed alive or let go. If they hurt her, it is now that they know she can't defend herself. She grits her teeth and quickly scrambles off the floor, jumps backwards and reaches for-

It's there. It's still there. Brandishing a three-pronged kunai in front of her, she does her best to seem as threatening as possible.

“How the fuck'd you know where my granduncle's hiraishin anchor was hidden?” She doesn't look at her, can't bear to. She bites her teeth and shakes as her fingers cling to the knife's handle, holding it just the way the blonde taught her many years ago.

“This situation must seem terrifying right now, but we won't hurt you. Me. Us. I promise,” young her speaks soothingly with raised hands and takes a single step closer. She trips backwards, back pressed against the window of the office, thoughts running wild and in circles. She can't escape. Has to. Mito- God, Mito. Her lip wobbles as desperation and panic cloud her mind, still dwarfed by the overwhelming sense of pain.

“You can put down the kunai. Everything's going to be alright.” She can't trust her, can't trust herself, not in this place and time where she's a shinobi, kills people, is so so young and so obviously not married to _her_ -

Faster than she can blink, there's a dark shadow in front of her and suddenly the knife is gone. Her hands are empty and right there is the dark-haired sinister boy, in front of her, armed and-

“What the hell, Sasuke!” She can barely heard the words as everything twists and blurs, falls out of focus, gets lost somewhere in between. She's dizzy and her head hurts, her heart aches, everything is in pain and she can't think can't breathe, can't-

Just as she loses consciousness and crumbles on the floor, a faint hint of vanilla enters her nose and her tired mind latches onto it. She weakly paws at the source, buries herself into its embrace, then lets go.

(She dreams of crooked smiles, clinking bottles, and the deep throaty laugh that she's so terribly in love with.)

She wakes to the familiar white and clean lights of the hospital. Anti-septic and mint lingers in the air, a combination of medicines she's intimately familiar with. It's something old from a place she calls her second home. Something she's used to. She doesn't know why she's here but her mind is a mess and this is a welcome respite. She breathes easily and turns her head to the side only for her lips to split in a wide smile.

“Hey there,” she murmurs weakly and closes her eyes once more. _She's_ here. It's safe. Protected. Sheltered. Under the sweet fragrance of her perfume is a trace of something sharper, a note she hasn't smelled on her in a long time.

“You promised you'd stop drinking. You better have a good excuse for that.” She slurs her sentences a bit but that's probably due to how tired and drained she feels. She must have overworked herself again. Worried everyone. Maybe that's why she's been drinking. Suddenly she feels guilty. She really should be more responsible now. Mito is her pride and joy and she'd never do anything to jeopardise her.

“I have something to tell you and you're not going to like it.” She sounds serious. Serious and detached. Cold. That's... wrong. Blinking her eyes open, she turns her head to the side and looks. There's no fondness in her face. No hint of anything. It's a mask, pale and blank and she hates it.

“You were involved in an accident. Incorrect use of a doujutsu that opens tears in reality. You weren't meant to get dragged from wherever you came from, but fact is, you're in a different place now.” She stares. Then chuckles nervously.

“That's... not as funny as you think it is. Where's nee-chan? She'd lecture you for being so irresponsible and you know it,” she manages. It's tough to force the words out of her mouth because no matter how much she tries to believe them, there's a dark horrible cloud hanging above her head and it terrifies her.

“It's not a joke. You're in a different universe. We already started looking into how to send you back but in the meantime I'll need to figure out what to do with you.” She's not joking. She _isn't_. This is not a dream or a phase or a prank. _Im-prob-a-ble_. She's hyperventilating. Panic. Fear, and-

“Don't pass out on me again,” Tsunade (not Tsuna. Not your Tsuna, not _yours_ -) grumbles and places her palm on her forehead. Her breath evens, mind calms, thoughts stutter and stop. It's not the first time she's done this to her because she's always looked out for her- (stop it. It's not her. This one has never done anything for you.)

“I'll need some basic information. I performed a medical check-up while you were unconscious and discovered you're pregnant. The incident hasn't harmed the fetus but I should probably ask if the father is going to be problem here.” Father. _Father_. She wants to laugh only so she doesn't burst into tears.

“No,” she chokes halfway between the 'n' and the 'o' and has to look away. From what she's seen so far it won't be a problem at all. God what is she supposed to do, what if she's stuck here, if she can't go home. Mito will never see her mother, they'll never be a family, she's going to wither away and leave her daughter all by herself-

“Well who is it then? Because you're around what, thirty? If he's still a kid then that'll turn into a world of issues just in case you're stuck.” Stuck. What does she mean, stuck?!

“You got me here, just send me back the same way!” She's getting angry now because when she's hurt she lashes out (and she's hurt, so _so hurt_ and it's too much to swallow and push away, it's a raw infected wound and she _can't deal with this_ -)

“Listen brat it's not that easy, the kid decided to fuck around on a half-baked order from his dumbass sensei and now I have to sort out his mess.” It's too much. She sounds like her, just like her, the annoyance is the same as is the pulsating vein on her forehead that shows just how close she is to losing her incredibly volatile temper-

She presses a hand against her own forehead and hisses while trying very hard to calm herself. For Mito. Mito who might have to grow up with a single parent (stop thinking about this, stop stop _STOP_ -)

“There... there's no need to worry about the father. I... don't know who it is. It wasn't planned. A one-night stand. Nothing serious.” She lies, lies and lies because she cannot tell the truth, cannot face the rejection and being distrusted is better than having her heart crushed and turned to dust. A single look tells her just how much her bullshit doesn't fly with the one woman who always knows when she's being dishonest.

“Y'know, I taught younger you for five years. I know when you're full of shit.” Of course they're student and teacher here. _Of course they are_. She's always been medically inclined, is a fully qualified nurse after all, and in a world where she's a ninja of course she would have studied under the most legendary medic of them all-

They would never fall in love here. Tsunade would never touch her student. Never touch someone she has known as child. It's like her future, present and past crumble before her eyes. Nobody would ever be more perfect for her than the blonde force of nature, she knows this, has always known this. She wonders who young her is in love with. Wonders if they're happy. (They're not. Will never be. Because whoever she's with, they're not Tsuna. Young Sakura is setting herself up for a heartbreak and isn't that just so _fucking tragic_.)

“It won't be a problem.” She has to pull herself together. Can't break down. If she does, she bares her very soul to this stranger _and that cannot happen_. She has a spine of steel and a heart of iron and there will be time later to cry (and wail and rage because this is not fair, _why does this have to happen to me_ -) so she has to persevere. Put on the brave face. Pretend. She's good at that.

“Fine. Whatever. Fuck, you're just as difficult as the brat...” She bites the inside of her cheek and tries very hard not to flinch at the reminder of how everything is suddenly upside down and just two inches too far left and just so disgustingly wrong.

“I'm a nurse. I know how the hospital operates. Put me to work.” She has to do something with her hands that also occupies her mind. If she thinks too much she will run herself into the ground, go to dark and deep places she's deathly terrified of. She still remembers the weeks after her parents' deaths at the hands of nightmarish white creatures. She can't go back to that.

“Like hell I'll allow a stranger to work in my hospital,” Tsunade growls and crosses her arms in front of her chest and it's so familiar she almost starts to sob. She can't do this. There's no way she can stay here, look at her and act like everything's fine-

“It's nee-chan's hospital, not yours.” She has no idea if that's true, hasn't met this Shizune, but it's something she can say without wanting to scream.

“I'm the goddamn kage of this village, _if I say this is my hospital then it is, you_ -” She's yelling and it's glorious. Her eyes spark, her brows furrow, burgundy painted lips open up and she shows her teeth as the curses tumble out of her mouth. She's beautiful. It's almost enough to make her cry.

“Tsunade-sama!” The door bangs open and in storms nee-chan, irked, annoyed and exasperated. It's a combination that fits her so well, she wouldn't be the same without it.

“Nee-chan.” She doesn't mean to whisper and sounds so vulnerable, so weak, but Shizune is her anchor and the way she turns her head and smiles warmly with a silent apology in her eyes is mere proof of that fact. Nee-chan, no matter where and when, will always be the same. The idea is so comforting she clings to it with all her might.

“You can't just yell at the poor woman, she's been through quite the ordeal and is in a delicate state _what are you thinking-_ ” Nee-chan whisper-yells with the best of them and it brings a small smile to her face despite her rapid downward spiral. Some things never change. No matter how long she will be stuck here, she will stay as close to nee-chan as possible. She has never failed her.

“The brat wants to work in the hospital. Sort it out and get me that damn profile.” With those parting words, the blonde is gone and suddenly she can breathe so much easier. Tension leaves her shoulders as a single hand rubs her stomach. Nee-chan watches her, so she stops. Shizune listens to logic and reason but that means she has to be convinced. She has to show her that she can take it.

“I primarily work in the surgery room and was trained as emergency response unit. I would prefer to do rounds instead if that works for you.” She knows nee-chan wants to ask questions, personal ones, but looks a bit closer and realises just how close she is to shattering into pieces. This Tsunade had never gotten to know her like that. Nee-chan has the gift to immediately see the soul of whoever she looks at. She knows what Tsunade is blind to.

“Who taught you?” she asks instead because she's precious. Her gaze shifts to her stomach, then back to her face. Nee-chan is curious. Wants to know. It's good that nobody disrespected her enough to simply check. Medical chakra is invasive enough to get a read on a fetus' DNA. Someone vetoed that procedure. She wonders who it was.

“You did,” she replies and smiles. It's thin, brittle and weak but an effort. Nee-chan smiles back. She feels just a little warmer on the inside.

They release her an hour later and hand her a key and some money. The hotel room is nice. Clean. Cold. She lies on the bed and begins to cry.

(Her dreams are filled with images of _her_ and she chases them but when she touches them, they fall into pieces. Every time it happens, she dies a little more on the inside.)

It's a miracle that she manages to show up for her first shift on time. Two days she spent in that hotel room, alternating between crying and screaming into a pillow. She broke three glasses and stepped on the shards more than once. Nee-chan came to check up on her twice and each time she only barely managed to squeeze her bloodied feet into a pair of slippers before the older woman noticed. No. They're the same age now. She should just call her by her name.

Who waits for her at the reception is not who she expected. She truly must be cursed or else they wouldn't have sent her teenaged self.

“Hi! I volunteered to be the one to well, not show you around but evaluate you, I suppose. Hope you don't mind!” Had she been this spunky and energetic at that age? She couldn't remember but hoped not. For some reason she couldn't explain it already grated on her nerves. Headache. (It's the dehydration you irresponsible idiot, you've cried for two days straight and barely had anything to drink what would Tsuna say-) Nothing. Tsuna would say nothing because Tsuna isn't here. She's been quiet for too long. Young her shifts.

“It's alright.” Sakura chatters, points out locations and tasks, introduces her to people she remembers as older mentors, some of which have already retired except suddenly they're all her age and it's too jarring. She can't stand it. But the worst part is that young her asks _questions_.

“So how come you're a civilian?” It's such a stupid question and it infuriates her. Her temper is more volatile than ever before and the dumb face of her past is enough to set her off (you saw the ring, she's engaged and you hate it _stop lying to yourself_ -)

“How come you're a ninja then?” she demands rudely and grinds her teeth before picking up a patient chart and looking through the papers as if they're actually interesting.

“Oh, well I always wanted to be one. I suppose growing up in a ninja village does that to you...,” the girl muses while tapping her chin and she doesn't want to ask why younger girl was raised in Konoha while she had never left Tea until her parents died. She's not interested in these people and their world. She needs to get home (but what if you can't, what if you're stuck here, what if they can't bring you back-) The pen in her hand breaks clean in two.

“I think I'm good from here on out. Do I pass?” She needs to leave. She or the girl, either one has to go because she can't get over her sudden fury at this younger version of herself.

“Um, you certainly are qualified but the final decision lies with Shizune-” She rips the evaluation notes from the girl's hands and marches out of the room they had been in. She doesn't care about being less rude, more polite, nicer to this potentially forever superior of hers. God, that child is her boss. She clenches her jaw. No fucking way will she be ordered around by her stupid younger self. She has to stop thinking like this, like this has already replaced her existence. She's going to go home. Once she stops believing, there is nothing left to break her fall.

“I'm in,” is all she declares upon entering nee-chan's- Shizune's office and slams the papers onto her desk. Shizune-nee-chan takes one look at her face, then another at the papers and visibly reconstructs the events that led to this moment. Then purses her lips. Nee-chan reads others well but is just as easy to read herself.

“I will assign you to me, if that's alright with you.” She could kiss her. Wants to hug her and barely refrains.

“Thank you, Shizune-n-sama.” Shizune pauses briefly, tilts her head, then smiles faintly.

“Nee-chan is fine.” If a single tear strolls down her cheek, neither woman mentions it.

(This time, she dreams of nee-chan and how she's bouncing little Mito on her lap, eyes and smile filled with joy. Once she wakes, reality comes crashing down on her and she's almost late for her next shift. She somehow gets through the day without breathing much.)

Young her is curious and follows her around. It is exhausting. Both know the hospital by heart and there is no escaping the attempts at small-talk, the interested glances, the inquisitive questions. She doesn't know why the girl wants to know where she grew up, what everyone is like in her world, who Shizune-sama ended up marrying because they have bets riding on that. She sneers at the girl's shallow concerns, wears her anger instead on her heart on her sleeve. She avoids Tsunade religiously. It's not hard. It's obvious how little interest the blonde has in her. It almost doesn't hurt anymore (it tears you apart on the inside, she doesn't love you and won't and Tsuna is gone, gonegone _goneforeveryouwon'tgobackanddiealone_ -)

She tries to think as little as possible. She drowns herself in work, runs samples, volunteers for other people's rounds. She smiles, wide and fake. Others praise her for her work ethic and give younger her approving glances. Like they are somehow one and the same. Like they are anything like each other at all. A vial shatters in her tight grip and she curses, bandages the wound and moves on. Nee-chan heals her upon noticing the white wraps without commenting. She's beyond thankful and clings to her even harder. They may be the same age now but nee-chan has always been nee-chan, infinitely more mature and resilient than anyone else she's ever known. She allows herself to lean on her. It's one small comfort amidst a world going up in flames.

It doesn't get better. She's on her way to check up on a patient with pneumonia when she rounds a corner and runs into a hard wall of green and muscle. Thick arms close themselves around her before she can fall and a familiar scent of polished wood, fresh grass and sunshine enters her nose. She looks up and can't help the way her face lights up, her lips split into a wide smile, the moisture that gathers in her eyes.

“Hey dad.” Complete and utter silence befalls her immediate surroundings and that's when the moment passes and she remembers. She doesn't blush or stutter. Instead, her mind simply shuts down as high spirits come crashing down. The man (not your father, he didn't adopt you, he didn't care about you because why would he you have parents in this world, _whywouldheeverloveyou_ -)

“Did she just... call Gai-sensei _dad_?” She would recognise the voice of her elder sister everywhere but no matter how much she forces herself to look away, her eyes move without her consent. God, Tenten is so young, such a _baby_ and she looks at her like she's a stranger and fuck she _can't_ -

“Ah! You must be the beautiful blossom that has accidentally found her way into our world! I am very pleased to meet you!” he booms, lively and wild, with a thin red flush on his cheeks. She thinks of cold nights spent around a campfire with her ninja dad and ninja siblings, eating squirrel on a stick and wishing that the moment could last forever. Nothing lasts forever. She tries to hold onto her sanity but it's slipping through her fingers like liquid smoke.

“Sakura-san has truly flourished! I shall renew my efforts to win her undying affection!” She can't help it and jerks away from Lee who is her _brother_ , not a... a... (they're not your family and never will be, stop pretending-)

“Never would have taken you for the type to take in impressionable young girls, Gai.” She doesn't shriek because she's used to shadowy forms popping in and out unannounced. The man is not all that tall, masked and silver-haired. Her father's- (NOTYOURFATHER) Eternal Rival. He squints at them as he squats on a nearby shelf and the way he scrutinises her tips her temper out of balance.

“Shut up! He's an amazing father and has done more for me and his students than you ever did,” she sneers, hateful so so angry because how dare him talk that way about the only man who had ever given a damn about her (young, scared, parent less just after the war and so _alone_ in this foreign place without anyone she knows and he found her, _he found her and gave her a home_ -) She thinks of Nard growing up without a family because this man was too much of a coward to take him in and she _hates_.

“Now now, that's a little harsh. My Eternal Rival is a very upstanding man indeed,” dad (NOTDAD) censors her with a disapproving frown but he doesn't get through to her.

“He's not your rival. That coward could never hope to match you.” She deflates because fuck, her own father is suddenly younger than her but he's still her dad and always will be and the way he looks at her makes her feel like the lowest of the low, the worst kind of scum. This place is wrong. Jarring. Everyone is different and not who they're supposed to be and she can't- (they're not wrong, _you_ are and they hate you, watch how they look at you, you're an intruder _youdon'tbelong_ -)

“I... have work to do. Excuse me.” She pushes past them and hols her breath so she doesn't have to catch a whiff of family and start crying. Her eyes are already wet and she can't delude herself into hoping they didn't notice. They're ninja. They always know. She's pathetic, a grown woman who can't even control her emotions- (weak, _weak_ , WEAK-)

“Seriously? _Dad_?” She walks faster until she can't hear her sister anymore. They're not a family. Never have been. Never will be.

(That night she clutches the small turtle shell pendant her second father has given her on her 18th birthday in her hands and wonders if they miss her just as much as she misses them.)

They call her to her office and their faces are grim. She thought her heart was already broken but no. They don't have to say a word. She shatters all the same.

(There's no way to send her back, the accident ruined that part of those eyes forever, the barriers are closed, the door shut, there's no way back, _neechandadsisterbrotherbestfriendWIFETSUNANEVERAGAINGONEGONEGONE_ -)

She's in a stupid seedy club on the outskirts of the village and downs one shot after another. Her sight is blurred, lights in front of her eyes a kaleidoscope of colours she can lose herself in. All around her people dance and move to quick and violent beats. She drinks. Again and again. The quiet voice nagging at her to stop disappeared after the fourth round of spiced sake. It doesn't really matter anymore. This is not her village, these are not her people so really who cares what happens to her. She certainly doesn't. And Mito-

She shakes her head and her world spins. She nearly topples off the bar stool and only a nearby stranger prevents her from landing face first on the floor. He's pretty. She should- she can't think straight. He's warm. She's cold. Freezing. It's reason enough.

“Hey hey, slow down there lovely. I remember you as a lil kid, you know-” Fuck this. Fuck him. Fuck everyone and everything. She pushes her body against him, rubs her chest against his. God she doesn't even like men. Does it matter? (no it doesn't, this one might love you and it's better than nothing because you'll be stuck here for the rest of your _miserable existence_ -) She's not drunk. Or crying. It's those shoes and she's not drowning her sorrows, she's drinking to _have fun_ -

“Look I'm flattered but you're- shit.” Her legs gave in and he catches her. She can barely move. Or think. Isn't that the point? The colours are pretty even though the place stinks of sweat, vomit and sex and it's perfect, so perfect because it's nothing at all like what she's used to, the furthest thing from home, _it's so fucking perfect she can't breathe_ -

“Maybe you should just go sleep it off, you're really not looking too well here...” She lashes out and pushes the man away from her. He doesn't know shit about her. She's fine. She doesn't need to sleep. She needs another drink. The barkeeper is reluctant but she keeps waving at him, is moments away from climbing over the counter. He obliges. She knocks back the shot and leaves the bar behind. She wants to dance. Dancing is good. Dancing is great- (what the fuck is wrong with you, you're thirty and pregnant not some irresponsible teenager, _WHATTHEFUCKAREYOUDOING_ -)

Her throat is dry but it's because of the alcohol, nothing else. She staggers towards the dance floor, wobbly and unsteady on her feet. Just one of many drunk pathetic souls who long to fit in and find something to chase away the pain- She's not hurt. Her heart's not broken. She's enjoying herself and that's why she drinks and dances because she's in a good mood and partying is _fun_ -

She grinds against strangers, lets their hands roam her body and grope her chest, doesn't worry about tomorrow. As far as she's concerned, there is no tomorrow and if she didn't wake up would that really be that bad when her life is such a _fucking tragedy_ -

She smiles and laughs, shows her pearly white teeth to every man or woman approaching her, lets them suck on her neck, push their fingers beneath her shirt, slip them into the waistband of her pants. One woman takes her to the bathroom and she smiles, laughs, moans, shudders, _doesn'tcrynotatall_ \- (you are pathetic.)

Someone hands her a tissue, someone with red lips and purple hair and she feels sorry for all these people with issues because she's allergic you see and didn't pay attention to what she's been drinking, she's not falling apart on the inside, not missing anyone, not at all.

“Let me take you home, yes?” She tries to fight her but the woman is a ninja, _fucking_ ninja, and gently guides her out of the bathroom.

Her world spins and spins and spins and the colours are so pretty so pretty, _so fucking beautiful-_ She's dying and when the shadows reach for her, closes her eyes and gives in.

(Silence. Blessed silence. She floats in this empty black expanse of nothingness, no thoughts, no feelings, no pain. She doesn't want to wake up. There's nothing waiting for her on the other side.)

“WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!” She shoots up, wide awake, gasping for air, is she drowning, her heart pounds and hurts, she can't see, _whereisshewhatishappening_ -

“IRRESPONSIBLE LIKE A DUMB KID, GETTING SHITFACED WHILE CARRYING A CHILD!” Hands grasp her forearms and shake her. She feels sick, like an entire army trampled all over her and her memory is failing her, she can't remember anything, she's not panicking, she's _fine_.

“Tsunade-sama!” Nee-chan? Nee-chan... softer hands brush sweaty strands out of her face and she clings to the touch, buries her face in nee-chan's hold, cuddles up to her like a lost child. She's warm and safe now, sheltered from the storm outside the windows of her mind. Nothing can reach her here.

“Don't _fucking_ hide from me, I demand you tell me why the fuck you decided to wager the health of your unborn child against your selfish fucking desires!” Tears spill from her eyes and she can't stop them. It's not Tsuna, not Tsuna but the only Tsunade that exists, the only one she will ever know and she's yelling and she can't- she _can't_ \- (you deserve this.)

“Tsunade-sama look at her, she's overwhelmed and can't cope with-”

“I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!” She flinches and cries harder, God make it stop, no more tears, stop wailing, you're fine, everything's fine, (stop lying to yourself), _everything's going to be alright_ -

“THIS FETUS HAS MY DNA AND I DON'T FUCKING CARE HOW IT HAPPENED BUT _THAT IS MY CHILD RIGHT THERE_ -” Everything stops. The world pauses, her heart doesn't beat, her lungs don't breathe. She stills like prey before painfully slowly turning around, leaving nee-chan's nest of safety only to come face to face with a kind of fury she has never seen in Tsuna before. She... knows?

“Don't look at me like you're fucking surprised, you're a nurse and know exactly that parents can feel their offspring's chakra!” She... knows. Has known? All the time and... never said... why...

“It wouldn't even _fucking_ matter if you could go back to whatever fucked up world you're from but this is your home now for better or worse and you're pregnant with my daughter-” She can't hold back the tears and sobs again, pathetic and weak, because here she is, TsunadenotTsuna, telling her once and for all that this is it. The end of the line. Point of no return. Final destination. No more ramen with Nard. No more morning runs with her crazy older brother. No more self defence lessons with her sister. No more piggy-back races with her dad. No more nee-chan. No more... no more Tsuna. No future. Instead, nothing at all.

“I... I love you...” She says these words like a prayer, whispers them in a desperate attempt to reclaim something, anything, but there is nothing on the woman's face. It's blank and empty, looks at her like she's a stranger. Her hands shake as she pulls the ring from her finger, shows her the beautiful golden band with the Senju symbol etched into the metal.

“Please...” She begs. The woman is a wall of ice. Solid. Unmoving. Dead. Her fingers clutch the ring so tightly it hurts, and she turns away. Nee-chan tries to stop her but she gets out of the bed and leaves. There's nothing here for her. She will try to hang on. For a few months. For Mito. The last hint that her past ever existed. The only gift she can give this woman who wears her wife's face. A few months. For Mito. Then, she will let go. _There's nothing here for her_.

(She doesn't go back to the hospital and instead works as waitress in a tiny cafe for civilians. She stays away from old friends, familiar faces. She doesn't drink again. There's no more colour and every day is just another washed out combination of greys and blacks. She counts the hours, days, weeks. Soon... soon.)

One day, there's white flowers in front of her room along with an invitation to dinner with Maito Gai, Rock Lee and Tenten. She doesn't go.

Nee-chan is the only one who sees her occasionally, visits her in her hotel room in the evenings and makes sure Mito is healthy. She is.

ANBU shadow her every move. She's a civilian but learned to spot them long ago. She doesn't try to convince herself that Tsunade cares about her. Just Mito.

There's more flowers. More invitations. She throws away the cards but keeps the plants. They smell like pine and cedar, weapon oil and spring. They smell like family.

She finds a small apartment, big enough for just one person. The day after she signed the lease, all her things have been moved. She has furniture too. It doesn't make her cry, not at all.

Once, after returning home from work, she finds a cat on her doorstep. It sits still and quiet with bright green eyes and ginger fur. There's no name, collar, anything. She lets it inside. The Uchiha hiding behind a tree turns around and walks away.

On her birthday, there's presents. So many presents. She cries for an hour, then opens them and it tears her apart on the inside that all of them are perfect, and just for her.

The flowers are no longer just white, but green, pink and orange. Sometimes there's weeds and she knows exactly who picked them. This time she keeps the card. She still doesn't go.

Her belly starts showing and the moment it does, there's a wide range of maternity clothes on the table of her living room along with a note that shows two crude drawings, one of a steaming ramen cup, the other a scribble oddly reminiscent of a scarecrow. She pins the note to her fridge.

There's a reminder for a therapy session that she never scheduled. She doesn't go but the damn letters keep coming in. Eventually, she gives in and leaves an assortment of fruity chocolates at the hospital reception. Nee-chan will appreciate them.

She meets them for dinner. It's awkward for an entire five minutes until she realises that they are still the same. She fits into their dynamic like a missing piece and when he walks her home, he tells her that he always wanted children.

She slips up once and calls him dad. He cries his manly tears, Lee cries more, and Tenten sighs, then orders dessert for the four of them. It's... it's nice.

The cat follows her wherever she goes and when she runs into young her and her team at the markets, the pale dark-haired boy asks if that is the stray the Uchiha gave up for adoption. The following silence is damning as said Uchiha glowers at them, lips pressed into a thin line. She recognises a silent apology when she sees one and changes the subject.

Nee-chan comes over for dinner once a week and they grow closer and closer. It's almost like it used to be. With her at least, she never feels out of place. Nee-chan, in every world, will always be her nee-chan. _Always_.

She has to quit her job because her belly gets in the way of moving around the cafe. The next day, there's a bundle of money in her mail box, enough to cover her weeks expenses and then some. Every Monday, the money comes in and the paper smells of sake and vanilla.

One day, nostalgia gets the better of her. She avoided any of the woman's usual haunts, fully aware that all the progress she made during the last few months could be shattered in an instant upon running into the woman who is no longer her wife.

It's their anniversary that never happened and she just... she needs this. So instead of going home after her weekly dinner with dad and her siblings, she takes a left and enters the dimly lit sake bar. The patrons look at her strangely since heavily pregnant women usually don't enter these kinds of places unless it's to drag their spouse back home. She ignores them and takes a seat at the counter before brushing her annoyingly long hair out of her face. It reaches down to her waist now. It's just as long as-

“What can I get you?” the barman asks and she orders a glass of water. It's not about the drink or the location, really. It's the memories she longs for. The two of them used to spend a lot of time in this haunt, drunk off their asses, until an enraged nee-chan finally tracked them down and yelled a lot. She smiles, a small and sad thing, while sipping on her water. One hand gently massages her large belly and she can't help but wait for the moment she can introduce Mito to nee-chan. It would be love at first sight, surely.

It's a quiet night with few guests and not a single altercation or even tipsy attempt at flirting. The mask sitting in a chair at the very back of the room makes sure of that. After two glasses of water and a bathroom break, the barman slides her a small tray of dango.

“My wife craved some during her pregnancy,” he grumbles and she... doesn't know how to react to this unexpected show of kindness. She thanks him, softly and with a smile, then bites into the delicious treat. She munches on the sticky goodness, drinks her water, and closes her eyes at the sudden peace in her mind when someone slides in the seat beside her.

Vanilla. Her heart stops.

“Gimme a bottle. No, actually. Make it two.” She waves impatiently with her fingers and the barman rolls his eyes before obliging. Other than that, the woman's quiet. Her heart beats so loud against her chest, she _has_ to hear it.

“So... a kid, huh.” She freezes and her fingers shake as she reaches for the last dango stick, other hand gripping the hem of her shirt tightly.

“...yes,” she murmurs and remembers the money, the check-up's that are always covered by the Hokage's office, and the strict dietary plan that found its way onto her fridge, customised just for her.

“Name?” The sharp smell of sake enters her nose but she is too much of a coward to turn her head and look.

“We... were going to name her after your grandmother,” she admits quietly, not at all concerned about her possible reaction. (Liar.)

“Mito? Good choice.” Pride and joy swell in her chest, warming her from the inside with the intensity of a thousand suns.

“...It was your idea,” she whispers and finds the corners of her lips twitching upwards as she takes another sip of water.

“So how did... this happen anyway.” The woman waves her hand, gesturing between their two bodies while just narrowly avoiding the bottle of alcohol. She reaches over to place it out of harm's way. This is not the first bar Tsunade has visited tonight.

“I... I'm a war orphan. The kyuubi attack,” she clarifies and bites her lip, fingers holding onto her glass.

“A couple adopted me and we moved to Tea, had our own tea shop in a small village.” It's been... a long time since she last told someone about her life's story. A long time since she herself thought of her past. It all seemed so far away now.

“They were killed during the 4th Great War so I... I went back to Konoha. Thought I could help with the relief effort. I don't know,” she adds bashfully, daunted by her presence, this eternal shining tower of strength and stability.

“The hospital needed nurses so that's where I went, signed up for training.” She pauses.

“I met you, a few months later.” She doesn't trust her own voice as she comes dangerously close to delving into memories that are too painful to recall. The wounds never truly closed but they're not bleeding anymore and she doesn't want to tear them open all over again-

“Tell me about it.” She freezes. Surely she misheard? No. A single sneaky glance to the side shows her just how serious the blonde is. So she thinks of what to say, where to begin, and chuckles nervously.

“You hated me.” The silence is telling and she knows Tsunade is staring at her, raised brows and all.

“Oh?”

“Yes. I... was running lab samples. The shifts were long and it was late. I accidentally contaminated an entire batch.” Tsunade hums, and refills her glass.

“You stormed into the lab and you were furious. You started yelling.” A brief pause.

“I can see that happening,” the older woman admits eventually and she doesn't want to smile but does it anyway. Is that... hope she feels? Or is she merely basking in her company. She doesn't know.

“I was sleep-deprived, starving and just days before my period so...” She takes another sip, immersed in days long gone, and continues:

“I yelled back.” Finally she finds the courage to face her, and can't help but look at her through the bangs falling in front of her face, soft and shy, as if she was eighteen once more.

“You threw a notepad at me and I openly demanded to know who decided to put a lunatic with serious anger issues in charge of a hospital.” Tsunade doesn't react, simply stares, so she shrugs casually and turns away.

“I told you. Hatred at first sight.”

“Sounds like it,” the older woman grunts. She hums in agreement while tracing the rim of her glass with a single finger. The gold of her wedding band glints and shimmers in the low ambient light. Two sets of eyes rest on the metal and the clan engraving.

“I am... was... Shizune's favourite. She was stuck in between our petty squabbles and eventually just started running interference.” Tunsade snorts and she finds herself echoing the sound. They both know nee-chan by heart, better than anyone else, and just this once it's more funny rather than tragic how similar yet different their worlds are.

“You... you turned it into a game, I think,” she muses thoughtfully, remembering the sheer absurdity of those days, their shared past that only one remembers. She's so close to drowning in her nostalgia but somehow this stranger (who is still, will always be your wife, look at her, _LOOKATHER_ and tell me she's not the _same_ -) takes away the heaviness clouding her soul.

“You kept finding ways to get past Shizune. You dogged my steps, picked fights at your heart's desire.” She laughs. Tsuna could be such a child when she wanted to, petulant and drawn into the silliest of arguments at seemingly no provocation at all. She loves her for it all the same.

“I didn't let you push me around. I fought back, went right up into your face to insult you whenever you needlessly criticised my work,” she continued and took a deep breath, before accepting another glass of water from the barman.

“I think... that's what you liked about me.” Once more the world stops turning as both fall silent and even the ambient noise quiets down. She's so close, yet so far and every fibre of her body aches to slide closer to this woman who tugs at her heart strings by merely existing.

“That I didn't give in. Stood up to the legendary medic and war hero. A simple civilian. Plain old Sakura.” Moisture gathers in her eyes and she wipes it away.

“Sorry,” she murmurs in an attempt to hide how thin and feeble her voice has become.

“It's alright.” She sniffs at the blonde's words and carefully moves the tissue she hands her around her makeup.

“Anyway, um... the entire village caught wind of it, naturally, and at some point Genma made a joke about it being the weirdest kind of foreplay he'd ever seen.” She fondly remembers the idiot and the drunken advances she made that one cursed night, months ago. She will find a way to apologise.

“I heard him and... I don't know. It got me thinking.” Tsunade orders her third bottle of sake and she knows the woman is still four away from being truly drunk.

“I don't think you ever fully realised what you were doing.” She turned pensive and quieted down monetarily.

“Next time you stormed into the room I was in, I suddenly noticed how beautiful you really are. How soft your hair is, the way your eyes... sparkle and crackle with energy when you're furious.” She wants to say more, opens her mouth, then... closes it. Looks away. Flushes.

“You're so mesmerising when you're angry.” It comes across like a prayer and isn't that what it is? She's a mere peasant, desperate for her goddess to acknowledge her.

“One day when you came in you were absolutely smashed. You slurred so hard I had no idea what you were saying but you came closer and closer, then poked your finger into my forehead and...” Taking a deep breath, she grips her glass so tightly she worries it might break.

“I just did it. Just... leaned closer. And kissed you.” She's filled with nervous energy and bites her lip as she anxiously waits for the moment the blonde has enough and leaves.

“You were drunk, I was so fucking attracted to you, and we fucked in that damn examination room.” She resorts to babbling and gestures wildly. This time she's the one who almost knocks over a bottle. The blonde's lightning quick reflexes snatch her wrist just in time. The contact sends sparks of energy through her body as she stares at the older woman, eyes large, mouth agape. She lets go. The moment passes. A single shuddering breath later, she remembers what they were talking about.

“You spent weeks ignoring me after that, broke my heart... I was miserable.” It's both easier and harder to continue, so she thinks less and talks more.

“One day, you just randomly showed up again. Half-heartedly told me I was filling out my charts incorrectly.” The day that everything changed.

“You're a mess of a human and don't know how to express any emotion that's not anger or drunken joy so I had no idea that you were trying to apologise.” She watches the woman frown, open her mouth in protest, then give up on it because deep down she knows it's the truth. If it bothers her, she doesn't show it.

“I started crying. You awkwardly pat my shoulder and... I can't remember how, but it happened again.” And again.

“And it kept happening.” Again and again. She thinks back to dark corners and stolen kisses, the blonde reducing her to a boneless mess over and over again, the way she licked the sweat off her neck, buried her fingers deep inside her-

She blushes and stares at the table, face a bright scarlet and under no illusion that this Tsunade doesn't know exactly what she's been thinking about.

“Everyone knew, of course, because ninja are nosy cunts.” The blonde startled briefly and she faintly realises that it's the first time the other woman heard her swear so viciously. She knows her better than anyone else and knows that the surprise is a pleasant one. The feeling in her chest intensifies and yes... it's suspiciously similar to hope.

“A year later, Shizune found us in a lab and just lost it. She started yelling about how we should just finally marry so we can stop using 'her' hospital as glorified love hotel.” She laughs at the memory. Poor nee-chan, red faced and furious, screaming louder than Tsunade ever has.

“...You know, I can see her saying something like that.” They both can. Nee-chan is the third wheel of the machinery that keeps them going after all.

“Well. You did end up proposing one night, drunk off your ass, with your grandmother's old ring.” She wiggles her fingers, once more showcasing the ancient ring and the proud Senju symbol on it.

“As for Mito... I wanted children. You grumbled and complained but didn't really mean it. Your gift for my 29th birthday was a vial of your DNA.” That was it. Their entire history, their combined past, laid bare in less than fifteen minutes. She isn't sure what will happen now, if anything is going to happen at all. She doesn't want to have her hopes crushed but it is already too late to ignore them. Tsunade is quiet for a long time as she finishes her last bottle, staring at nothing in particular.

“You should come over for dinner.” It's random and unexpected, so she stops breathing for a moment, staring at the deceptively casual frame of the woman beside her as she takes a chug of sake.

“Shizune invited you over.” She's known this woman for twelve whole years and is fully aware that Shizune hasn't done shit.

“I... yeah. I'd love to.”

(It's hope. And it blooms.)

Weeks later, Sakura screams her throat raw as she lies on a hospital bed and tries to give birth to this demon of a child that's inside her womb. There's people anxiously waiting outside with flowers and chocolates, her dearest second father, siblings, Nard and even younger her.

And right there, beside her and holding her hand for the entire twenty hours it takes Shizune to deliver the youngest Senju, stands Tsunade.

(It's not perfect. But it's _enough_.)

**Author's Note:**

> I am really happy with this. Tsunade absolutely falls in love with Sakura and asks her to marry when Mito is one year old /for the sake of their daughter, obviously. No other reason. They become a happy family with Shizune as honorary third mother and Gai as wacky uncle along with cousins Lee, Tenten and Nard. 
> 
> The cat's name is Ramen btw. Sasuke named it.


End file.
